Paving the Way, Only to Watch From the Sidelines

I feel as though this blog needs to be written for my own sanity mostly...

This weekend marks the first time ever in history that women will be boxing in the Olympics. I should be really happy about this, but I would be lying if I said that I wasn't feeling particularly bitter and quite emotional. I am so proud of all of those women, but very few of them have been around since the beginning.

When I first started boxing there were two of us in my town. A girl by the name of Mandy Lapointe, who's interests were mostly to become a professional boxer; and me, who's dreams were to make waves, get fights and someday, maybe just someday, be in the Olympics. (which wasn't even a conceived thought in the minds of the decision makers.)

I started boxing ironically enough, on boxing day 1997. I had put on the gloves many times before that fighting with my dad in our living room, but it was the first time I seriously stepped foot in the gym to train. It was love at first smell. It was as if it was already engrained in me and the boxing gym was where I was suppose to be. My parents had always been really supportive of our extra-curricular activities (in fact, maybe too much) but once I started boxing, all but one other activity fell away. I was at the gym Monday to Friday, 2 hours a day - the only girl in a boxing gym filled with boys and men. I was so serious about what I was doing and it gave me a confidence that I could have never acquired without that sport.

Because there were no other girls, I got in the ring with any guy that was willing to spar. I learned so much from all them. I developed a strength I feel most women don't possess. I needed thick skin for the days I was told I didn't belong, or that they weren't willing to hit a girl; I developed the strength to take a good punch from those that were willing, and I learned how to push through the pain - the pain from a blow or the pain of my muscles and my mind saying they'd had enough. Boxing became my world, and before long I wanted to be competitive. This proved to be a major challenge, as I was very light, and the girls in other provinces that were boxing were much heavier, or older; and, there weren't really any girls to fight. I make no exagerration when I say that for 5 years I went on road trips every two weeks, going through the motions of making weight and getting mentally prepared in hopes that a girl would be available to fight even when the coaches said on the phone there were no girls ready. I was willing to take exhibiton matches, matches with boys (which no matter how much I begged was never allowed) or matches a weight up or down. I just wanted to fight so badly.

As I got more serious about my goals, the way I trained also became very serious.  A typical day for me was to be up at 5:30am go for my morning run, get ready for school, go to classes, do homework at lunch, go home from school, have some food, put on my running gear and run the 12km to the boxing gym, followed by 2 1/2 hours of rigorous skipping, bag drills, handpads and sparring. I would do this Monday to Friday and on Saturday I would run anywhere between 20 and 25km's. I was constantly on a diet, counting calories, eating boiled chicken, rice and salad, getting in the sauna covered in Albaline and spitting into a bucket. And finally one awesome day in May, 5 years after I first stepped foot into the gym, I had my first fight. The girl I was set to fight, was a weight class up, had a record of 5 wins, all by first-round knockout and moved like a horse in the ring. I remember walking to the ring and feeling like I was going to puke, but when I looked over at my dad, he looked so much more nervous than me, and that somehow settled my nerves. I got in the ring, committed to following the start-up routine I had practised over and over again in the gym and watched this girl who stood a foot taller than me (which isn't hard I know), gallop toward me flailing her arms. I remember instantly getting tunnel vision and noticing that she had a band-aid over her one nostril that covered where a nose piercing lived - it instantly became my target. Even now when I think back on it, all I can see is that little round, beige band-aid begging for me to hit it. I lost the fight thad day with a score of 12-8, but made it all 3 rounds leaving her bruised and uninterested in a re-match and that made it a total win in my books. I did what I had set out to do - I made a wave. I made myself known not just to other boxers, but to the officials and refs. My dad was hilarious that entire fight because between every round, instead of instructing me, he just kept kissing me on the cheek. I remember telling him, and later having it posted in a local newspaper, "Dad, stop kissing me, I'm trying to look tough."

In October of that same year, I was able to land my second match with Henwaii McNealy. This short little thing who was dressed to the nines and had every guy drooling over her. We drove to Edmonton and it was already snowing heavily. My dad needed to be at a different fight that was qualifying one of our boys for some international fights, so I went along with the other coaches in my club, feeling a void that my dad couldn't be there to coach me through what I was about to do, especially since I had bronchitis and my body was feeling pretty destroyed. We had a really great brothering club out of Quesnel and they became a second family to me. About an hour before my fight, one of the boxers from Quesnel could see I was having trouble breathing and offered me some liquid ginseng, which I had never heard of before. He said, "It'll give you energy and open up your airways". He wasn't kidding! I got this amazing second wind, my lungs felt fresh and I stomped Henwaii, beating her 15-2. This time making myself known to a larger group of competitors. That fight still goes down as my all-time favorite fight, and that was the day my love of natural herbs and remedies began. Looking back on it now, I think that the biggest wave that was made was one of foresight into my future and what my new passions would be.

In 2002, one of the biggest years of my life occured. It was the year I was going to Nationals and was about to graduate from highschool. I was BC champ, and headed to my first National tournament. Boxers that made it were skilled, quick, fit and just as serious about what they were doing as any other boxer there. One thing my dad always used to tell us during training was that, "You should never take your opponent for granted. You needed to train more and train harder, because they'll be in the gym training to beat us too. It would come down to who had the most determination and who was in better shape." He was so right. One thing I never felt I was prepared for though, was the ability to decipher my own expectations and the expectations I thought others had of me. The morning of my fight, all I could think about was what others would say if I won, what others would say if I lost, who would be disappointed in me, or who would say I never deserved it. That was my first clue that something wasn't right that day. I fought a girl from Regina, also a weight up from my usual fighting weight and held my own, but lost the fight by 5 points. I was so consumed by what I thought others wanted, that I forgot why I was there? I won the silver medal, but felt pretty defeated mentally. The good that came out of that fight was a man by the name of Steve Choquette. He had a boxing club in St. Rosalie, Quebec and they won every fight they had that tournament. They were strong and fit and a force inside and outside the ring. They were all so friendly, but you couldn't hear a single voice in the ring other than theirs. After my fight, Steve approached me and said that even though I lost, my skill was well beyond the other girls and we all have bad fights sometimes. He got into conversation with my dad and asked if I would like to move there and train with his team to put together the first Women's Olympic team. We hadn't even been given a spot in the Olympics, but it was clearly someone else's goal too and not just a pipe-dream I had created in my own mind. After I got back home, we started talking on the phone regularly. I was making plans to find a family to board with and I was getting ready to start the road to the Olympics. It was such an honour to even be considered. And it was such an awesome feeling to see how far boxing had come. In our gym alone, we had a the strongest female boxing team in Canada. We had the most women boxers in the Nationals and we were a force to be reckoned with. Our junior, intermediate and senior team were all equally strong and we supported one another day in and day out. In so many ways, history had been made time and time again in our small little boxing club. We had Alex Legault, who was a 3 time Canadian Champ; Kristy Hillen, Lana Bloom, Anne-Marie Gareau, and many others who won bronze gloves, silver gloves, golden gloves, multiple provincial titles, and satndings in the top 3 spots at Nationals. It was such a joy spending time in the gym with these girls, training and sparring and pushing eachother to succeed.

Not long after my invitation to Quebec, they had announced that Women's Boxing would be a demonstration sport in the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This was it, it was finally our time to show how hard we had trained and how much dedication we had given to our sport. I had set a date to move and was ready for my adventure to begin. However, not much longer after that, it had been announced that it wasn't going to happen. That there weren't enough women in other countries boxing to make it an Olympic sport and just like that, the dream was shattered. In the time that followed, I met Phil, the man of my dreams (who I never would've met had I gone), we moved across the country and I started the next dream, of having a family and going back to school. When Sebastien was 7 months old, I was going to school and remembered sitting in class and getting a call from my dad saying that it was officially announced that women would be contenders in London 2012. He didn't know what weight categories, but that it was official and the dream was a reality again. It hadn't been that long since I stopped boxing and it was only 2010 - I could do it. I could get fit and qualify again. It would be a lot of juggling, but it could be done. Not long after I hung up the phone with my dad, I started getting other calls asking if I was interested and what kind of boxing gyms were in Ottawa, where we had just recently moved. I started making arrangments right away, but always had this sinking feeling that it would take away from valualbe time with my little man. You can't do something like this and not eat, sleep, and breathe it. It has to be your life. It has to be everything you do. How do you do that with a new baby, a relationship, school and work? Two days after I started making arrangments, I found out I was pregnant with Sophia. The dream was dead again. This time though, I didn't feel as crushed because I already had so much. Obviously for any athlete there is thing about being unique, about making history, about trying to squeeze as much into your little life as possible and pushing yourself past the limits every day, so in a way I felt disappointed and still had that silly thought in my head "How can I make this work?" Truth be told though, I am much happier and healthier having not gone. And who says I can't squeeze tons into my little life? It just won't include the Olympics.

Now that the Olympics are finally here and women are making their debut on Sunday, I can't help but have a heavy heart about it. These girls will be the "Legends of Boxing", the real history makers. And yet, I think of girls like myself, Mandy Lapointe, Alex Legault, Kristy Hillen, Lana Bloom, Henwaii McNealy, and so many others that paved the way for these girls. That fought and fought and fought to even be allowed in the ring and be considered worthy of the sport. The days I would knock on door after door looking for pledges or sponsorship and had the door slammed in my face after I was told that boxing wasn't a women's sport and we didn't belong in there. Boxing for women has come a long long way, but it wasn't without a lot of blood, sweat and tears trying to make ourselves known. I know that those girls getting ready to fight don't even know me or the other girls that were there long before them, but I hope that somehwere, deep inside they have a gratitude for those of us who persisted until we were considered equals in the ring and never got to live the dream to its entirety.

I'm wishing each and every women that steps in that ring the best of luck and I hope they're ready. I'm so proud of them and what they're accomplishing, but it will be an extremely emotional day having to sit and watch from my television screen.

Make us proud girls!

Closure On Those Last Few Stresses

Another perfect example of time slipping through the cracks - it will be two weeks tomorrow since I posted anything.

These past two weeks have probably been the most hectic we've had since we've been out here. When I last wrote, we were coming up on Canada Day and due to children's naps, we didn't get to experience any of the culture out here. However, we did get to have an amazing brunch at our girlfriends' house and met a whole other slew of fascinating people. Sometimes living here reminds me of summer camp as a kid. You're surrounded by a bunch of people all close in age who are pretty like-minded. People who are looking for an adventure, a chance to get away from the hustle and bustle of normal life - while making good money. I met a couple who are from Australia and their plan is to sail from here to Alaska by fall before the water starts to freeze; a girl who moved to Canada from Texas, met her boyfriend and only 6 months in to the relationship, moved here with him; (which is kind of Phil and I's story when I moved to Montreal with him) and many other fascinating people. I feel like it's all an opportunity to meet people that you may not have had the chance to meet otherwise. All this to say, it made for a great brunch and tuckered the kids out. When I got home Sophia ended up sleeping for 4 hours and I had no intention of waking her. (Long breaks like that are appreciated)

The day before, however, we took a family trip on the quads and went out toward Mount Pelley. We got just a little over 10km out and the road had been washed out, but we stopped and enjoyed the water and the Inukshuks people had made from the rocks and rubble and I even saw some local flowers. They were really pretty - purples, yellows, butter creams and red. The kids had so much fun on the quads, and at one point both wanted to ride with me, so I had Seb on the backseat and Sophia in front of me, being held onto the quad with one of my arms, while I drove with the other. The thing about quads, for those of you that don't know - the gas is controlled by your thumb, and your right thumb at that, and I'm left-handed. I kept wanting to switch hands to be able to steer better and couldn't. It was a lot of fun though and gave me a new confidence for packing up the kids with helmets and wind gear and hauling them on a quad to get somewhere if need be. It was really nice to spend the day as a family and get a ton of fresh air.

We've also managed to get out fishing almost every day this week - with no luck of catching anything, but it's still fun. We give the kids their little "Dora" and "Cars" rods and let them mess around while Phil attempts to catch us dinner. The cool thing about here too, is that you don't need a boat to fish. You just pick somewhere with water and throw your rod in. One night Phil noticed that a Char had been caught and gutted and left by the dock and he was like "Hey man! Somebody totally wasted a fish in my fishing spot." I took one look at it and knew that that was no human that did that. And sure enough a couple nights later a grizzly had been spotted in that area and was quickly scared away. Oh, if only we were big fuzzy bears that were willing to walk into the water and catch our fish with our bare hands - we'd probably get something too. :)

Before we moved out here, Phil had started hunting for bug jackets. I was told these would be the jackets we wore in July here because of the mosquitos. All I could think of was summer's up in the Rockies or out camping and thought "How bad could it really be? I doubt we'll need jackets like that." I am fully willing to admit that I was wrong. The mosquitos come in clouds here. It's weird though, because I never hear that annoying buzzing noise, but they are twice the size of any mosquito I've seen and they are never alone - it literally looks like clouds of bugs. Last week, I was getting so paranoid in my office because I kept seeing mosquitos in my peripheral, but it turns out it was their shadows through my window reflecting on the walls and such - totally ridiculous! I've only been stung once, but they took a good chunk out of Seb which leads me to my next topic...

Two days ago, I took advantage of an afternoon nap and Phil and Seb went out for a trip on the quad and then went to play at the park, and when they got home I was helping Seb get all his gear off and he just started screaming. He kept saying his hand was broken. I took off his mitten and his ring finger was so swollen. I could see he'd been bitten by a mosquito, but he just kept squeezing his hand and refused to unlock his fingers. I gave him some Advil and put some of our homeopathic after-bite on it and decided to just wait it out. He wouldn't play for the rest of the day and if he needed something, he would keep his hands clasped and bend over and pick things up with his mouth. He wouldn't eat unless I fed him and same with when he needed water. I asked him if he could tell me what was hurting him and he kept saying it was his pinky finger  even though his ring finger was the one that was swollen and he'd panic if I even got close to it. I was pretty convinced it was broken, because what 3 year old gives up on playing to protect his hand that much and even when I put him down to sleep, I'd go in and check on him and his hands were still clasped and the one time they fell open he woke up screaming again. So at around 10pm, I checked his hand and his whole hand had swollen up. So I got some Q-Tips and a tensor bandage and had him make a fist on the Q-Tips (which was a major battle) and then wrapped his hand so at least he'd be able to get some sleep. In the morning we got up and he was still no better, so I called the nurse on call and brought him into work so they could get an x-ray. (Another major battle), until it was time for the x-ray the nurse was equally convinced that he had either broken his pinky or a small bone in the top of his hand, but when it came time to get the x-ray, the way he was yanking on his finger to keep his hands clasped, changed both of our minds. It turns out that bug bite had become infected and was radiating pain all through his hand. Phil and I felt so bad for him, and as soon as I got him home, I made a homeopathic concoction and by that night he was opening up his hand and most of the swelling had gone. During the whole issue though, I was really captivated at how well he could communicate his pain to me. Not even just verbally, but his physical cues spoke volumes. Viruses and infections can be tricky things to figure out, but when a kid has an injury, it's hard to miss the fact that something is wrong. I'm always hesitant to bring a kid into the ER because it gets abused so often I find, but you know if a toddler is refusing his toys, his food, his water, everything - and favouring a specific part of his body, that there really is something wrong.

As I've mentioned a couple times, we've been on the nanny hunt. It's been a headache and some drama, but I'm happy to announce we've hired someone and she'll be moving out here with us in October. She's seems like such a cool girl and I think she'll be a great fit with our family. Phil will be stuck with another bookworm, as she reads just as much as I do, if not more; but I interviewed her the other day and loved what she had to say, and loved her sense of adventure and really think she'll do great here. Apparently her aunt lived in Cambridge Bay for two years, thirty years ago. I'm really hoping having her here will help with the feeling I'm having of being spread way too thin. Phil's schedule is overwhelming and he's my hero for it. For the kind of work that he does and how available he needs to be, my hat goes off to him. Yesterday he had to go in on his day off to relieve two guys who had been working 16 hours straight (for safety reasons obviously) and he ended up being just as busy getting called out and then coming home and having to help with the drama that was Sophia last night. I remember him saying this morning as he was crawling into bed that he had to be at work in 45 minutes and I don't remember him being in bed with me most of the night. It's different when you have to get up with your kids and you can stay in your pj's and deal with the situation and on top of that, you love them. But when you're dealing with idiots who don't care about you and are being as difficult as possible and you've got to gear up and get out and be totally coherent and keep yourself safe, that takes skill and a patience I don't have.
Needless to say, working full-time, being on call when Phil is on call and coming home to him heading out to work to be full-time mommy and getting woken up throughout the night either because of his work or my kids is wearing really thin with me. I'm still finding it impossible to get to sleep before midnight here and thankfully, my Naturopath has intervened and will be aiding in the sleep department; but I really think having our nanny out here will be such a load off. Even just having another adult-female in the house to cook and eat with and chat with while Phil is working night shift will be really nice. And some of you may be thinking it's not a good idea to make friends with your nanny, but when you live in a place like Cambridge Bay, and you're moving someone into your 3 bedroom bungalow to watch your kids and live such a unique adventure with you, making friends with them is essential. It's like taking on another relationship because there's nowhere to hide or run off to. You can go for a walk, but at 5pm, everything closes down here and in the winter time, if there's a storm, you're not going anywhere. Friendships are key to survival here.

Oh yes, last thing. I never announced it when it happened, perhaps in fear of jinxing it, because I believe Phil or I have been cursed by the water gods and the house drama gods - but our place has officially sold and closed. It sold a few days before we left Ottawa, but I just didn't want to say anything until it had closed and the money was in the bank. We officially are mortgage free for at least 3 1/2 years. It's a pretty nice feeling (probably even more so for Phil).

Anyways, I think that's all for now. I know there's more - there always is, but I can't think of it right now. Soooooo.....

Until next time... :)

A Little Bit of This, And A Little Bit of That...

There's a lot I want to talk about in today's post, and I'm already feeling like I'm going to forget things. My brain is feeling pretty fuzzy these past few days, and I'm pretty sure it's because I'm just not getting enough sleep. I find the 24 hour daylight is really affecting the kids and I lately. Even setting the tone for night just doesn't seem to be doing it. It's like they know that it went from light to dark in the house too quickly and Seb has been getting really confused with his sense of time. (Soph may be as well, but she can't verbalize it as well) When Phil and I put the kids down at night, Seb will go to bed and then he usually wakes up a couple of hours later and thinks it's time to carry on with his day, and today when I put him down to nap he was like "Mom, it's nine o'clock eh? It's bed time." Which means that he's got his days and nights a little confused. However, I'm equally confused because I don't think I've been to bed before midnight other than last night and I wake up in pitch black and have to go deal with a kid in the middle of the night and my living room is bright and you can see the sun trying to get through the curtains. I still think 24 hour daylight is better than the 24 hour darkness that is headed our way this winter, but it definitely confuses the system. 

One of my favourite things here as of lately is walking to and from work. I absolutely LOVE being outside and have made friends with some of the dogs that sleep and spend their days outside - especially on my street. There's a a row of houses a few down from mine and every morning on my way to work I take a few minutes to give them all rubs and say good morning.

 It feels like a mini-hike every morning because there's no pavement anywhere and because of the dust and dirty ground, I am usually sporting my hiking boots. So the fresh air, my backpack, and hikers make it feel like a mini hike to work. 

Everyday, I'm still blown away by how nice people are. I was walking to work yesterday morning with a tray full of leftover cupcakes from my birthday Monday, and it was a little trickier than I had anticipated because the cupcakes were too big for the slots and this lady who I've never seen before, pulled over and offered me a ride to work. She didn't know me at all, but saw me walking slowly and steadily and just offered me a ride. There are not many people out there that would do that; but here, people are just like that. 

Like I mentioned in the previous paragraph, Monday was my first Arctic birthday, and it was such a great day. The nurses threw me a little surprise birthday party and got me a cake. One of the nurses who's become my lunch buddy was nice enough to wish me a happy 15th birthday party over what he thought was the PA system of the hospital, but it turned out he punched in the wrong numbers and ended up wishing some man in one of the government buildings a happy birthday instead. After my day at work, I headed home and had a wonderful potluck style dinner with our close friends and had such a great time! I even got to open our "June" bottle of wine. Yes, that's right, we bought 12 bottles of wine before we came up and have designated months for them. It was amazing how hard it hit me. I had 2 sips and my legs started to feel super warm and I quickly decided to stop. The last thing I wanted to do was get drunk on my birthday, make a fool of myself, and then feel awful at work the next day. Everyone brought such great food and I was more than happy to supply cupcakes and cake. One of the girlfriends of Phil's colleagues is celebrating her birthday Friday, so we decided to have a joint birthday party since she's leaving town Friday to go back home for a month, so she came Sunday night and got a lesson in decorating and helped out with the production of our birthday cupcakes. It was so nice to have some company and someone to help to get them all done. It is by far the most expensive and time consuming craft I've taken to, especially since everything has to be gluten and dairy free and I make everything from scratch.  It was probably the most simple birthday party I've ever had, and yet it definitely fell into one of my favourites. And to all of you who sent me wonderful birthday wishes, thank you so much! 

Another crazy thing I've decided to do is go back to school! I swear I do this every couple of years, but I'm hoping this schooling and the work afterward will satisfy me enough to never go back again. I've enrolled with Thompson River's University to start my nursing degree. I've done a few courses already when I did my Medical Office Administration program that I'm hoping will transfer over, but my plan is to do as much of it as possible through distance education and when we are finally done our posting in the North, I will finish my program in Kamloops. The school is probably the easiest school I've ever dealt with, and even though I'm studying from afar, you have the option of doing your courses online or you can have them send you the books and you just submit your work via email. So in July I will be starting the summer semester and I will be starting at a very slow pace. I'm just going to take one course a semester until we make our next move to Iqaluit and then I will pick up the pace. It'll be easier because the kids will be a little bit older. Right now, I just want to get my head back into school mode so I think one course is plenty. I've got a lot of time before we're out of the North, so I can pace myself for the time being. 

Phil managed to get a trip out today to Yellowknife for some work stuff and when opportunities like this come up through his work, everybody is sort of crossing their fingers that they get to go. A trip like this is an opportunity to pack empty suitcases and fill them up with fresh produce, cheaper groceries and other things you may need (like a garbage can that never made it). It also gives someone like Phil, an opportunity to hit up Canadian Tire (his second wife) and take a look around. Yellowknife trips are another example of how people here look out for each other. When someone is going to Yellowknife they let people know and ask for lists so that they can pick up things other families might need. Like last week one of the guys Phil works with went and filled up an entire suitcase full of Rice Cakes, gluten free/dairy free snacks, and gluten free bread. It was awesome. The suitcase was packed full and he got our stuff more than half off what we would've paid for. He paid something like $1.92 for a bag of Rice Cakes, whereas here, they are $6.00! The other cool part, is unlike flying with someone like Air Canada, or West Jet where you're limited by weight and baggage, flying around here you can have more bags and it's a 70 lbs limit. It's really catered to people who want to stock up when they can. 

So tonight the kids and I are hanging out on our own, and I closed the blinds at 6:30 and gave them dinner in a dark living room and started winding them down really early and read them TONS of stories. It is now 9:00 and they have been in bed for a half hour, haven't come out and I'm hoping will sleep well tonight.

The nanny hunt still continues and is feeling a little depressing at this point. I haven't heard back from the people I messaged (so much for being interest in "any city in Canada") and the only person who showed interest in my job posting, I'm pretty sure was the dumbest person I've ever communicated with. She said she was interested in the posting because the family she was working for was moving to Edmonton and she didn't want to move with them, and her profile said she wasn't willing to relocate and when I brought this up to her she said that no she didn't want to move, and no matter how many times I tried to point out to her that we were not in Ontario, that we were in fact, in the Arctic, she kept saying ya, it's fine, I want to be a live-in nanny, I just don't want to move that far. So I stopped communicating with her in fear of having a brain aneurism from her stupidity. So I press on...

 Canada Day is coming up this weekend and Phil is partaking in a golf tournament at our golf course - it's called "Many Pebbles Golf Course" meaning, don't use nice clubs, don't expect grass, and spot the flags amongst the pebbles. Hahah! The kids and I will be spending time with a girlfriend of mine and her cousin, checking out the festivities around town and I'm looking forward to taking pictures of some of the local drum dancers and the music and stuff. I have a huge batch of pictures to upload, but by the time I get home from work each night, the last thing I want to see is my computer. I'll try and get them up this weekend. I think that's all for now?...

Until next time...

Christmas in June

This past week has been like my birthday and Christmas all wrapped into one. At work I was given a new monitor, mouse and chair; I got my new Nunavut driver's license, (unfortunately, my last name was spelled "Pagues") I got some really good stones delivered that I had ordered from Etsy a while back and then we got our stuff.

I was starting to feel pretty impatient about not having our things. Phil has been living here for the past 5 months on his own with the bare essentials, and although, his things were new and nice and we had what we needed, it just didn't feel quite like home. I could tell that the kids were getting tired of playing with the same cars and books day in and day out, and there's only so much walking you can do in this place. Not to mention, up until about a week ago, Seb was still telling me how he didn't like this home, and I knew if he saw some of his bigger trucks and had HIS blanket, he would start to settle in. We found out Sunday that our stuff had arrived, but that it would take a few days to get a team together to deliver our things (which I mentioned in my previous blog I believe?) Anyways, it was set to arrive Tuesday morning and I couldn't wait. They said it would be here between 10 and 10:30. I decided it would be best if I went to work that day and would leave once Phil called me to tell me they had arrived, as he had the day off and was home with the kids. Well, 10:30 turned into 12:30 and it wasn't until 3:00 that I finally got the call that our stuff was coming (and this was after angry phone calls to the moving company from Phil had taken place). I walked home from work and checked off the inventory as they brought in boxes and kept wondering to myself what would be missing and what would be broken? It's pretty expected in any move, but there is a special reputation about a Northern move and having your things sit at the hanger of the airport overnight and people scavenging your belongings. After bringing in all the boxes, there were 6 on the list that were missing - and after some investigative work the 6 had been narrowed down to 2. Like I said in my previous blog, things I was missing the most were my vacuum, mop, garbage can and the kids blankets. Well, my mop was bent in half, the vacuum was missing until the end of the unpacking, the garbage can was a no-show and I was just really grateful that the kids blankets showed up. One thing that went missing though was my years' supply of personal hygiene products (i.e. shampoo, conditioner, gel, hairspray, soap, face cleansers and creams; my flat-iron, my shower curtain, washroom garbage can, and the kids bath toys.) Such an expensive loss to me - and it's not like I use regular cleaning stuff that I could just go to the store and grab a couple of the over-priced ones. I use organic, toxic free, paraben and sulphate free cleaning products - not the most popular thing here. It's not the end of the world as our broken items like our crock-pot and my full-length mirror and the missing contents will all be replaced, but still. I only packed enough of my hygiene stuff to get me through a couple of months and it will be a while before I get paid from work or we get reimbursed the amount that was lost in the move, so I'm going to have to get creative.

Another really interesting thing is that we sold what we felt were all our worldly possessions before we got here - but as we unpacked, we both felt like it was just way too much stuff! I was already making lists in my head as to what I could sell. It says a lot about how much stuff we buy and really could do without. As happy as I am to have my books (my books make anywhere feel like home) and I'm happy to have the kids toys and blankets, and things they've made their own in their short time on this earth, I would be very happy to get rid of at least half of it and be happy with the little bit we do own. I find this place to be full of healthy reminders. :)

In other news, work is still going great. My crew are doing better every day and I've been really grateful for the compliments I've received from some of the nurses at the health centre. This morning I was in the kitchen and one of the nurses I took a liking to the instant I saw her, tracked me down in the kitchen and told me that she had done a number of rotations at this health centre and every time it was such a headache, but that these past two weeks have been the most pleasant time she's had here and she feels as though there is so much more organization in the front and so much more communication. She said that I was a true asset to the clinic and a real gem. I felt like a geek because I wanted to cry. haha!

The weather here has been phenomenal! The sun is so warm and bright, but the air is so fresh (other than the days where they are emptying peoples' sewage tanks and you're almost gagging on the smell of human waste). It's become really beautiful here. The ground is dry enough to walk on with runners or hikers and the ice melting on the ocean is crystal blue; the river is starting to break through the snow which means Char season is just around the corner. I realized that when we were living in the city I got so comfortable with the idea of my anonymity and I think that's why I've been dealing with this feeling of being more and more shy as I get older. But here, there's nowhere to hide and people expect you to wave and say hello, and everybody knows each others names and you can live one of two ways. You can either be well-behaved, polite and social without creating a poor reputation for yourself; or you can keep to yourself, be unfriendly, and have inappropriate outbursts, leaving people with nothing positive to say about you. I choose option A. I'm still dumb-founded by how nice people are here. I've had the opportunity to have a few meetings at work with some well-respected locals working in the government and felt so honoured that as I shook their hand to properly introduce myself they pulled me in and gave me an Inuit kiss, which is a little something like this: (put on your imagination hat for a second) it starts by ending up cheek to cheek but then imagine that you had placed your cheek on someone and then you were going to proceed to sniff the entire length of their cheek. It's quick, but it's like a cheek rub/sniff. It's really cute.

Also, in my last post I forgot to mention the status on our daycare life. Phil and I opted out on the idea of daycare. I just had this awful heart-wrenching feeling the day before they were supposed to go and was so grateful at how supportive Phil was. We asked a very good friend of ours if she would mind for the time being until she started her new job to watch the kids at our place and we would search for a nanny who would be willing to come and live with us. Anyways, there is possibly another mountie's wife in town who is on mat leave from having twins and she was willing to watch the kids once our other friend started work, and we will hunt at a feverish pace for a nanny. It will be weird having someone come to live with us, but it will only be a short time since we won't need them in Iqaluit and it will be a great opportunity for them as well as a big financial bonus. So cross your fingers we find someone soon.

Anyways, this 24 hour daylight is killing my internal clock. It's late, I need sleep, SOOOOOO.....


Until next time...

Back to Basics

I'm having a problem. I have so much to say, I don't really know where to start?

This past week has been crazy in the most peaceful way. (If you can make sense of that.)
I guess I'll start with the biggest topic - WORK.
Yes, I started my job last Monday and it was... well... different. For those of you living outside Nunavut, anything you think is required to create a working environment, just swipe it from your thought process right now. It may help you better understand my experience. To back-track a little, let me start by telling you what I do. I got hired through the Government of Nunavut to be second in charge of our health centre, otherwise known as our mini-hospital. (and yes, I went to school to be able to do this job) :) We call it a health centre because even though it has two floors, a fully functioning maternity ward, a mini emergency department and specialist clinics running in it - it's not really big enough to be considered a hospital. Any major emergencies get medi-vac'd out to YellowKnife, but for the most part, we just take care of it. My first day at work was so interesting. I came in at 8:30 and was pleasantly greeted by everyone, and walked into my office only to find that the cupboards were all open with things falling out of them, there were papers all over my desk, boxes of crap in the corner and then these weird inboxes filled with paper that for all I knew, could've been there for years.
Project number 1 - clean office. Then I went in search for my supervisor, (I still don't know where her office is?) and when I tracked her down in the hallway, I proceeded to ask her who was training me. I got this "Ummm...what?" look from her and then she responded by saying "What do you mean?...You can just do whatever you want." This response may excite some of you, but for me, in a new town, unsure of how things really run, I would rather have a higher power that I'm supposed to report to. I still think that if I'm working for the government there must be weekly, bi-weekly, and monthly reports that I need to hand in. Anyways... I realized pretty quickly that she would not be my most valuable resource - so that's when I came up with Project number 2 - introduce myself to every staff member and get a feel for what they do, what some of the common problems are and what the person before me was doing. It gave me a good chance to sit and talk with everyone, see who I could trust to give me real answers and not just that, but get a good feel for the main team I would be managing which is the admitting staff. I could see their lack of motivation and their frustration from the second they came into work that morning. This worried me, because I figured I had one chance to reach out to them and if I screwed it up, the rest of my days in the hospital would be doomed. Project number 3 - observe very closely from my office all the happenings in the front; staff's behaviour toward one another, patients, and medical staff; secondly, go through every inch of paperwork in my office to see if I can find any treasures from the lady that was here before me. This final task was the most successful because what I learned was that the lady who did the job before worked as a casual, coming and going every few months, and she was an ogre. Even the notes in her book were mean. It didn't take long for me to figure out that these guys had been crapped on frequently, had loads of changes thrown at them, and then had no supervision to follow-through and make sure the changes worked. Not to mention, every change she had implemented infantilized them. I went home that night and felt pretty down. I knew what I wanted to do, but I didn't want to rush it or find out that I had read the whole thing wrong, and it's pretty common here to have staff not show up for work on a regular basis. The key is to be over-staffed just in case. I must've really been going through all of this in my head while I was sleeping because I woke up at 1:30am with an idea. I sighed a big breath of relief, and wished really hard that it would work and went back to sleep.
That morning I let a couple hours pass to make sure I was on the right track and then I pulled up my email. I sent out a team email thanking everyone for being so welcoming and warm to me, and stated how I noticed that there clearly had been a lot of people in my position before who were coming in and making changes and then leaving; and informed them that I recognized how confusing and frustrating that must be for them. Then I proceeded to let them know that I planned on being here for a long period of time, and wanted their feedback as to what they like most, what they want to see change and any ideas they may have to make the working environment a better one. I let them know that my background was medical and they could ask any medical question they wanted and that I had been in their position before, doing their job and understood just how hectic it can be.
Well. 5 minutes after the email was sent, they were knocking on my door, asking questions, wanting to learn. I'm not sure why people who are put in a place of authority seem to always forget those simple rules - be kind, allow your employees to feel like they are part of the process, and listen to what they have to say. All this to say, that by the end of the week, they were asking for projects, training me in their positions, signing contracts to become permanent, full-time employees as oppose to casual employees. It's funny, because in a city setting, the stress of all the to-do's seem to cloud people's judgment about slowing down and taking the time to get to know your staff and find their strengths. Whereas here, life just moves so much slower, that you know that for the most part there's always tomorrow to finish up something that you couldn't get to.

In other news, the kids and I went for a walk earlier in the week, and came across this cute little husky puppy that decided to happily join us on our trek. However, within minutes of him joining us this super shaggy, huge dog came out and had clearly broken free as the rope that was holding him to some stationed post was all frayed and trailing behind him. As soon as he saw us he stopped and stared like he was ready to attack. (again my protective mama-bear hat went on) I stood waiting to do whatever I'd have to do, but the puppy jumped in front of me and was pushing me back and then he charged the other dog taking a chunk out of him until he ran off. I was so grateful for the little guy and his instinct to protect us even though he didn't know us; and what was even sweeter was that he walked us all the way back to our house until we got to the steps and then just left. Even Sophia, who's petrified of dogs, kept saying "nice puppy" and had no problem with him. Every morning when I walk to work, I hope that I'll run into him to give him a little snuggle.

Today was my first ever time heading out to get groceries with a quad. It was so fun putting my pack on my back and gearing up for a nice ride in the fresh air, and then getting to the store needing a week's worth of fresh food and having to cleverly figure out how it was all going to fit in my pack. All in all, it was very successful and made me feel that much more rugged living in the North. :)

The melting has continued like crazy. The lake in our backyard is fully visible and the earth back there is amazing. It's all mossy and rocky and so different from anything I've ever walked on. Even spending summers in the Rockies, I've yet to see anything like this. It's pretty neat. I'll take pictures.

And lastly for this blog, our stuff has arrived. I never realized how much I would miss my stuff, but after having sold almost everything we own and keeping only the bare essentials, I realized that I really do miss my vacuum, mop, garbage cans, and the kids blankets. There's obviously other valuables coming like my awesome kitchen stuff, the kids bigger toys, and some new little gifts that I'll think they'll absolutely love. Anyways, any day now it'll get delivered, and I will finally be able to really make this place feel like home. I will post pics of our place after that.

Thanks for tuning into my very long blog tonight. I know I missed tons of stuff, but this is what came to mind.

Until next time....

The Great Outdoors

This week has been an assortment of events...

Wednesday was not my finest. The kids were total hooligans, I had one vacuum blow up on me, and one break on me; Sophia emptied the water from the tray of one of our humidifiers all over the floor, and on one of those days where a glass of wine would've been great - we had no corkscrew to open the wine we had shipped up. All in all, I was very happy to have Wednesday behind me. 

The rest of the week was great though. I had some really good visits with friends, I got to check out the health centre I'll be managing and got to do some solo exploring around my town. 

One of the things I'm finding the most interesting about this place, is that everyone I've talked to that has been here for quite some time, have left Cambridge Bay at some point, attempted life back in the city and within 6 months retreated back to life in a smaller community. A few have come back here, and a few were somewhere smaller before, went back to the city and ended up heading out this way. It says a lot about our primitive desires and what we truly want when all the conveniences are taken away from us. I'm reading this great book right now called "Your Brain On Nature". It's part of the David Suzuki reading club and I have not been disappointed in this title. It talks a lot about how before our medical system became corrupt through pharmaceutical companies and funding to offer doctors more money that medical professionals actually used to prescribe outdoor retreats to people as a way of healing all kinds of illnesses. Nowadays, places like this cost an arm and a leg, and are common places of retreat to the rich and famous. Before, these places were funded for medical treatment, but because they couldn't get any solid scientific numbers on the effects it was having on people, they were quickly pulled from the medical world and that was when we were introduced to our first anti-anxiety and antidepressant pills. It irritates me so much to think we were headed on the right track and then pulled away from it because they couldn't get solid numbers on the research -and of course, it wasn't a money maker. It's also unfortunate because doctors could still prescribe a walk outside, and it wouldn't cost them or their patient anything except for some good mental health to be outside (and I don't mean on the sidewalk) and would help solve a plethora of health problems. I have found in my week here that the solitude and fresh air have been better than any outdoor spa I've gone to. I was able to take a walk in my backyard yesterday and enjoy the mossy ground beneath me and a lake that has appeared almost out of nowhere in a matter of days. For those of you on Facebook, if you saw my snow-filled backyard pictures, I can tell you it doesn't look like that anymore. There is still a lot of snow, but there is also a lake and this beautiful land to walk on. It instantly reminded me of my summer in the Rockies when I'd go hiking and just be submerged in nature - minus the trees of course. (Yes, there are no trees here) But it says so much about why people find their way back here. 

I also got a chance to go quadding yesterday and scope out the land that way. For those of you that don't know what it is, think of a motorbike with 4 wheels that can go off-road. It was so cool to cruise around town and head down by the water and the airport with the wind in my face and really see things. Phil also took the quad out yesterday and headed toward Mount Pelly, which is our little mountain in town, and as you head out that way you pass the graveyard (now, stop reading if you get queazy), but he said there was a bucket of fish just a ways out from the graveyard to motivate the wild animals to take that instead of digging up the bodies to eat. We also took a drive in the police truck with Phil this morning to get the kids out and head out that way so I could see where we would be doing our fishing this summer and on our way back there was a caribou head just hanging out on the side of the road. No body attached, just the head. Clearly someone didn't need it, or hasn't met my dad who enjoys the tongue of the caribou. I have to say though, if I saw something like that in Ottawa, I would've been grossed out because I would've instantly thought that someone had killed and wasted the animal, but I know here everything gets used, except maybe the head in this instance, but people hunt to eat and dress themselves so seeing "road-kill" didn't have the same effect on me. 

The kids and I got a chance to visit the daycare and see where they will be spending 10 days a month of their lives. All the kids and staff were really friendly, however, my kids just aren't as quick to warm up to people. They're always friendly, but they know when we're checking something out that involves Phil or I leaving them for hours at a time - and they didn't seem too happy. Soph did much better than Seb, but he just seems so much more overwhelmed by everything here. I'm finding that to be my biggest challenge out here is dealing with his adjustment. I'm really hoping our stuff gets here soon, so that he has his blanket and toys and just all of our stuff so he realizes that this really is home. All in good time though. 

Anyways, that's the news for now. Keep your eyes open for more pictures on Facebook. 

Until next time...

Dukes Of Hazzard

Today was Phil's first day of work and the kids and I happened to have a vehicle to get out and explore.
The melt here right now is crazy and everything is so muddy - it's impossible to stay clean. As soon as I got in the truck and turned it on, the theme song from "Dukes of Hazzard" came on and it couldn't have been more appropriate. And yes, the radio station here plays a WIDE variety of music. The roads have major pot-holes, most of them are filled with water and because there's no paved roads, it makes for a muddy mess. There's also no such thing as car-seats here, so Seb sat in the back of the truck and Soph sat in the passenger seat so I could at least get a seat-belt on her and that's how we've been doing it since we got here. (I'm really looking forward to getting our new Escape here in September) One of the rules of the road here are to wave to any passer-by's. Phil told me about this before I got here. He said he just drove with his hand on top of the steering wheel all the time, because he would wave to someone every minute. I kind of thought he was exaggerating until we got here and saw it for myself. You wave to people walking on the street, you wave to people in the car at the stop sign, in parking lots, in front of you... I was on the road for 5 minutes and decided to follow Phil's instructions and keep my hand on top of the wheel.

We made our way over to the library which was such a bonus because Seb has been having a lot of ups and downs. One minute he's doing great and the next minute he's asking to go home. This is a new thing in the last 24 hours, but I feel so bad for him. A regular thing for us back in Ottawa was to go to the library and pick out a bag full of books. As soon as he pulled out the first book, he lit up and was so happy! The library is attached to the local high school and apparently having two young kids in there attracts a lot of attention. One minute we were quietly minding our business and the next there were a bunch of kids in the isle with us asking questions and picking up the kids. Seb and Soph seemed confused but fine with it, so I let it go, but then one kid started walking away with Seb and I turned around and Soph was in a wicker basket being picked up and started freaking out. So I put on "mama-bear" boots and gathered my kids and laid down some ground rules. Everyone complied, but it definitely made me feel like long visits at the library might not be the best idea right off the bat.

I also got to meet one of the other "wives" and was so happy that we got along right away. She was such a sweetie and is someone I would feel lucky to meet back home (wherever that is???) Either way, I'm glad she's around, because good girlfriends are hard to come by. I'm still so baffled at how friendly people are here. So far I've met three girls here and they've all been so sweet and supportive in their own way and I love how relaxed they are. I've always been such a fan of community-based living and people working together to support one another and that really seems to be the way things are around here.

We also got to stop by Phil's work and take a look around. The gym I'll be using is in his office, and I wanted to take a look at my new workout digs. I can't wait to get moving again. I feel like it's been months! The kids were so happy to see their papa at work and play with his flashlight and sticky notes.

All this to say, we've been here 5 days now and we're still alive. The weather is awesome (yes, even with the snow) - there's no humidity here and a light sweater is pretty much all you need. Bogs are a must as well. I'm hoping Seb will adjust and be happy. He's so much more sensitive than Soph and it takes him longer for everything. I just hope the kiddies we meet tomorrow morning are nice and he finds someone to make friends with. Soph on the other hand, seems to love everyone and doesn't care who they are, she just wants to hold their hand and give them a big hug around the leg.

Until next time...

Growing Accustomed

Apparently, posting pictures on my blog is not something worth doing. It took nearly an hour to upload 3 pictures out of 9. If you're interested in seeing pictures, hopefully you're one of my friends on Facebook, because it looks like this will be the only place I post my photos. *Sigh... Northern Living :)

I've been here three days now, and there is something to be said about the passing of time here. Every morning I wake up and don't feel any real pressure to get anything done. I look at the clock and it'll be 9:00 am and then what feels like minutes later it has somehow become into noon. And honestly, if I hadn't looked at my calendar, I wouldn't have even been able to tell you how many days I've been here for. I feel like every day I decompress a little bit more. People are friendly here. It doesn't matter who you pass - they wave and smile, and no one looks like they're rushing frantically to get something done, they're just sort of... getting it done.

The kids are finally calming down as well. They seem to really love the house and the big open space to play. Soph colours and reads and Seb just rolls his trucks around and seems to think everything is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

I had the pleasure of having dinner with one of the girls Phil made friends with in his time alone here and it's always so nice to hear that someone has come out here with the intention of being here only a short while, and somehow years have passed and they call themselves a "lifer" even though they joke about being in denial about what they just said aloud. I also had an opportunity to meet one of the teen boys that moved here with his parents and enjoyed getting his perspective on life in the North as a teenager, and he was quite the academic. I don't know whether it was his up-bringing or a behaviour that has come about  from living such a unique life; but his patience with the kids and his maturity spoke volumes to me about the positive aspects to a life outside of the hustle and bustle of city limits.

Some crazy things about being out here:

A 12 pack of water - $43.99!!!
A small (and I mean small) bunch of Asparagus - $19.99 Apparently this is a good price for it right now.

The sun is literally so bright off the snow that looking out my window at the horizon with no shades caused white fog hazes over my eyes. Clearly snow blindness is the biggest risk here at this time. (at least for my family)

Yesterday we took a tour around town and drove down by the water's edge and the ocean was covered in snow and ice. Today we drove by again, because we had dinner at a house overlooking the water, and the melt was crazy. There was so much water rearing it's head and people were still ski-doing on it. I would've been way too scared to be out on the water with one of those machines right now. It was melting so fast, you could literally see the changes from the time we started dinner to the time we left.

Some adjustments have been:

Our water is delivered to us, so this means we have to use it sparingly. We don't get tiny amounts to the point we can't really do anything, but showers need to be short, laundry is better timed with water delivery days and our sewage gets cleaned as well so we live by the saying "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown let it drown". There's no recycling here, no composting (however, people are interested in trying), and I can see how if you didn't make friends and have social events you could go crazy and become a total hermit.

All in all, things are really good though, and I look forward to seeing how the rest of our days unfold. Monday, Phil goes back to work and we have no vehicle, and Tuesday, the kids and I are going to check out the daycare. It should make for an interesting week.

Until next time...

The Past Week

Monday, we arrived in Edmonton, Alberta and I swear the city is ridden with explosive diarrhea! Every public washroom I used had a woman in it who seemed to be dying. I don't know what people eat there, but I think a diet overhaul is in need.

Edmonton was such a busy week. We met with my parents and stayed in a hotel and tried to have a mini-vacation while we ran the last of our errands and spent even more money. It's funny how every big city pretty much looks the same. Other than the time change and the strictly English street signs, it was like being in Ottawa. In a way it was almost discouraging because Edmonton was supposed to be phase 1 in this big change in our lives, and I got there and there wasn't much that was different. Typical box stores and franchised restaurants. I think this is why I've never really been a "city girl". I absolutely loved Ottawa, but nothing beats passing through some small town where every store is unique and independently owned. (getting off topic...)

Before I go on, I also want to point out the fact that I have never met as many helpful people as I did in the airport. The first morning we were due to leave Ottawa we had 9 pieces of luggage, two car-seats, two strollers, and 4 carry-ons. The whole week before I kept going over the logistics of how this was going to work; but the morning of, thanks to my sister-in-law, we managed to get everyone in to the airport (it took a couple trips mind you), but this mass amount of luggage attracted enough people working for Air Canada, that they opened a separate line just for us and helped us with all of our luggage and sped us through the process. When we got off in Edmonton, my dad ended up coming to the rescue and yesterday when we left Edmonton the people from Canadian North Airlines, were so much help that Phil was able to leave while I checked us all in so he could return our rental van and bring our shipping boxes to the cargo wing. A lot of random acts of kindness happened during our trip to give us a hand. So a big thank you needs to go out to all the random people we encountered that helped us along the way.

Yesterday we had three flights. Our first flight was from Edmonton to YellowKnife. It was gorgeous there. Lots of water and trees and fresh air, and it was so hot. I couldn't believe how warm it was when we got off. I remember thinking "Ok. It's warm here - Cambridge Bay is looking promising." Our next flight we landed in Kugluktuk, Nunavut. Landing here was quite a shock to the system. First off, the runway is gravel... In case that's not clear enough for you, think of it this way - a large plane, going super fast and trying to break on a gravel road = scary landing. When we got off the plane it was windy, had snow on the ground and the airport was the size of a small construction trailer. (I'll post pictures later)

Next, was our flight to Cambridge Bay. It was a quick 40 minute flight and the kids crashed, which made for a nice quiet ride. Mind you, they were good on all the flights. I was surprised by how much snow was on the ground. I was warned in advance that there would be lots of snow, but it was like I went back to January in Ottawa. (without all the humidity) I can honestly say I felt shell-shocked. I got into the airport and met one of Phil's colleagues that was bringing a prisoner to the airport for a flight out of town, I met his other colleague who drove us home in a police truck, and a lady, her husband and daughter who moved here for a two year teaching stint - that was 15 years ago. We got out of the airport and started our short drive home. There were no street signs, which will make for an interesting time when I need to get myself home or to someone else's house for a get together, and when we pulled up to our house our stairs were blocked by a big snow mound and the floor of our garage was pure ice. Our house, however, is really nice. It's a three bedroom bungalow with 20 foot ceilings, 3 huge bedrooms, an ensuite off our room and a huge bathroom for the kids. The kitchen has loads of storage space, and an island in the middle with an extra sink. It definitely needs a little bit of a woman's touch, but with some respect to our weight restriction, since we'll have to obey it leaving just like we had to coming in.

Today we're getting out to get health cards and a driver's license for me which should give me a chance to see the town more. It definitely is 24 hour daylight and it's really pretty and easy to set the nigh time tone for the kids, but even looking out my window is hard on the eyes, so when I wanted a really good view yesterday I put on my shades. Anyways, I'll post pictures soon and share more about this crazy new reality.

Until next time...

Goodbye Ottawa, hello Nunavut!

I should really be sleeping right now, but I feel like a wee blog is appropriate before I hop on the plane in 6 hours and make my way across the country to a new destination.

These past 6 months have been crazy and full of emotional ups and downs, never-ending preparation and a lot of revving myself up for the big moment.

To recap quickly, I am about to make my move to the far far North. In fact, so far North that my back neighbours will be Russia. I will fully admit when this move first came up, I felt like someone was pulling out my teeth; but as the months have gone on, I've become so excited to take on a new adventure in a strange place and show my kids some culture and mountains, as well as leave the world of traffic jams, humid weather, and an all-to-busy lifestyle.

That being said though, I want all of you to know that my time out East has been fantastic and filled with the most amazing people! I met my best friend Anna just weeks after arriving in Montreal and continued to meet people that made lasting impacts in my life - you will never be forgotten.
My time in Ottawa was probably the most influential time in my life and every fiber of my being changed into something new and foreign to me. It was as though, amongst all the busy city living, peace and tranquility swept over me and forced me to slow down and appreciate everything and everyone I came into contact with - baggage or no baggage.

In a matter of hours I will be hopping on a plane and making my way over to Alberta to crash for a few days and hang out with my parents and 4 days later, I will get on another plane and make my way to the Arctic to meet new amazing people and learn all kinds of new things about myself, my family and the world we live in. We have sold all of our possessions other than books, toys, and clothes, and will be mortgage free for at least 4 years. (Yay!)

People keep asking if I'm nervous and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't - however, the only thing I'm actually nervous about are my kids adjusting. We will be dealing with a time change, them going back to daycare after having been home with me since November, new people, new climate, and when we get there 24 hour daylight. I'm really hoping and praying they just transition smoothly.

Anyways, I really should sleep as my daughter is not the best flyer.... :(

Thank you again to all you lovely people I have met over the past 5 years. Remember that relationships worth keeping need constant work and acknowledgment from both parties and I will do my very best to keep those closest to me still a major part of my life.

Until my next blog....

Wishing you all the best,
Beck xox

Reflection

"If I had only...
forgotten future greatness
and looked at the green things and the buildings
and reached out to those around me
and smelled the air
and ignored the forms and the self-styled obligations
and heard the rain on the roof
and put my arms around my wife
... and it's not too late."
                                                                         - Hugh Prather

Today's kind of a special day - it's Earth Day. Mind you, I feel like every day is Earth Day in my world, but it definitely makes it more special, knowing that for one day, millions of people are attempting to put in the effort. That's really neat to me. I find however, that I'm extremely reflective today. I think it's because Earth Day could be a metaphor for "Simplicity". A day when we appreciate all things primitive and natural at their roots.

The quote above is from one of my most favorite books of all time - "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather. It's one of those books that you don't have to read in one sitting; but you can always find a suitable quote and make it applicable to your life on any given day. It's a book about a man who wanted to remind himself of things simple and more complex. I think one of the reasons I enjoy it so much is because it reminds me of journals I had filled when I was younger. I recently read through a journal from when I was 16, and was baffled at what I had written. How I could've seen things in my life so objectively and write out what I'd learned from good and bad experiences. The quotes I put in there were so powerful and some of the entries I had written I wasn't even sure if that was my own writing? However, my 16 year old self was smart enough to leave notes at the bottom saying things like "You wrote this Becky" or, "This entry is about this particular thing that happened". It's like I knew I would wonder what exact moment I was writing about later on in life. Reading that journal motivated me to write on paper again and log my life. Not necessarily events, because I didn't even do that as a teenager, but lessons I learned in life, and things to watch out for, and things to appreciate.

Which leads me to the quote above. I opened "Notes to Myself" tonight and this was the first page I landed on. When I read it I instantly felt grateful that I wasn't reading it and having an "Oh crap! I'm too caught up in the chaos" moment, but that I had a sigh of relief because I really do enjoy every simple thing in my life everyday. It doesn't mean I don't struggle and have bad days, but there are a handful of things I appreciate continuously everyday. For example:

I love waking up to the sounds of birds chirping in the morning. I think it's one of the most beautiful sounds.
I love waking up to any weather, I just love that there's weather to wake up to. Extra special weather days however, are rainy mornings, or mornings where there is a fresh, cool breeze blowing in through my window.
I love lying in bed with my kids first thing in the morning and getting snuggled and jumped on and taking my time to get out of my bed before going downstairs to the smell of fresh coffee in my coffee maker.
I love that I have healthy food to eat, and enough food to feed my children so they can grow up full and in good health.
I love stepping outside in my bare feet and breathing in the fresh air and grounding myself to the earth before I try to take on the world.
I love spending time with my kids and reading stories with them and teaching them things that no daycare or school could ever teach them.
I love that I get the opportunity to be home with them and go on adventures with them and watch them grow right in front of me.
I love that I have a man in my life who lets me do that and supports me in every way possible.
I love that I have books to read, and instruments to play, and paper to write on, and even a computer to waste time on.

There are so many simple things to be grateful for, and I hope you all take time to appreciate even something as simple as the fact that you're breathing. You're still here. I feel like the media does such a great job using fear as a main tool of communication (which is why I'm so happy I don't have cable). I know that even on a day like Earth Day we could all feel fear in the sense that global warming is a major concern, and it's taken fear and guilt tactics to force us into action; but instead of focusing on the negative that comes with it all, try and focus on these things:

There is nothing bad about going back to the idea of living and working as a community.
There is nothing bad with wanting to support local, organic farmers.
There is nothing bad with wanting to eat well.
There is nothing bad with wanting to recycle and compost.
There is nothing bad with not knowing enough to go completely eco-friendly - it's trying that matters.
There is nothing bad with wanting to try and do what's right (and I don't just mean living green).
There is nothing bad with wanting to be more aware in the way you walk through this world.


So not just today, but everyday - appreciate the small, simple things. Take a moment to breathe and bask in the joy that you're alive and that....

It's never too late.

Am I Supposed To Accept This As My Normal?

Today I was finally starting to feel like my life was getting back to normal. Sophia was very sick the last two weeks and had been throwing up for 7 days, about five times a day. We spent a night in the hospital and it turned out, after a lot of invasive tests, that she had a bowel obstruction that was causing things to go back up and instead of letting it go through.
After we got home from the hospital, her and I went to bed and slept the whole day. I woke up feeling nauseous and weak and ended up being sick as a dog and passing out if I stood too long. It just felt like it was never ending.
The next day, things seemed to be getting back to normal, she was keeping food down and passing it properly, I was keeping food down and attributed my illness to exhaustion; so the following day we were ready to have Seb come home. The next few days were crazy! Sophia was in a such a mood, and was starving. I couldn't feed her enough. I felt like I was going to go insane. Seb was hyper and needed his usual attention, showing me everything that came into his line of sight; and Sophia needed to be held continuously and didn't want to be alone for even a second. At night, she would cry and cry and cry and panic if I left her alone, meanwhile I was trying to resume our normal routine from before all the madness.
The last couple of days have finally started to feel pretty decent, other than at night; but of course, today Seb decided it was his turn to get sick. It couldn't be worse timing, because amidst all this crazy, I am trying to sell my house and have put off getting it on the market for almost two weeks now and tomorrow I have two showings and just can't cancel them.
I'm wondering if I should just start accepting that this will be my normal from here on in?
Here's the up side to all of this...
-The las two weeks were so intense on me and took everything out of me, that I have built up this thick skin and a "c'est la vie" attitude to it all.
-Dealing with a 3 year old who is vomiting is so much easier! When you say "Get sick in the toilet", he actually throws up in the toilet. (This will save me mountains of laundry and potential stains.)
-After said 3 year old vomits, he just wants to lie on the couch and watch a movie, unlike 20 month old baby who wants to scream and be held 24/7. (This gives me a moment to breathe.)
-I have figured out how to think logically through all of this and do only what works for me, so I emailed my real estate agent and told her we would be staying home tomorrow for both showings.
-And finally, I don't think much of anything will surprise me anymore at this point, so I guess...

BRING IT ON!

Another Chip Off The Stress Block

Good morning everyone.
It's been awhile since my last post. Turns out Soph was quite sick and required some emergency care, and I was exhausted and got sick as well. I'm not going to make today's blog about what was wrong, but I will tell you she's doing fine. She's still not completely herself, but is getting closer everyday.

 I know in my previous posts I've mentioned stress and sleep deprivation, and between that post and Soph getting sick last week, I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to regain some normalcy for the next 3 months until I have the second parental unit back with us. Although, I have to say the great idea did not come from me, but from my boyfriend.
I hired a babysitter. She's a girl that worked at the daycare with the kids, and they absolutely loved her. At first when the idea was brought up, I was imagining her coming for a couple hours in the day once a week, but when she offered, she brought up evenings alternating between Wednesdays and Fridays, and I was instantly filled with joy. Not sure why I hadn't thought of that?!
Nights have to be the loneliest time by far, and the most frustrating. Your kids go down, it's early, you don't really want to make a lot of noise, so you just sort of putter around hoping you'll get tired, only to go to bed alone with no one to talk to. How great will this be, to have one night where I can step out and grab a coffee, or go to the bookstore, meet up with friends, catch a movie, whatever... There's no guilt of asking a family member to go out of their way to come over, your kids get exposed to someone different once a week that still knows their routine and no one's working for free.
I really think this will make such a difference in my world. It'll give me something to look forward to, I'll totally cherish my time off and it will allow me to regroup so that I don't feel like I'm turning into an ogre. Between this, my guitar lessons and a few little social events I try to have from time to time, I think this will really help pass the time until I can resume a normal family life again.
A friend had commented on my Facebook page after my first blog saying:

"Single-parenting is the most unnatural thing on the planet."

I couldn't agree more! I just have to say again this morning, that I know I have it good, and even in this situation am still very fortunate in every way.
I would also like to say that my hat goes off to any soldier's wife, widow, and any other woman, or man for that matter, that is doing this on their own, and doesn't have an end date to look forward to; and to those who are still pulling a full-time job and doing this. I have the utmost respect for you! 

Time Well Spent

This past weekend was pretty crazy for me. Sophia came down with the stomach flu. I hardly slept Friday night and Sebastien was revved and ready to go first thing Saturday. When he woke me up in the morning, I wanted to die. I was so tired, I knew I wasn't going to make it through my day having just been up every half-hour with Soph. At that moment I was really grateful that their grandmother lives only two minutes away and is always willing to help. Between Sophia's bouts of illness, I managed to pack the kids up and trek them off to grandma's house. After an afternoon of help and a chance to nap on the couch with Soph, I packed her up and brought her home with me and Sebastien stayed "chez mamie's".
As most of you know, it's exhausting having a sick kid; but once I got home, it was so calm and so relaxing. Sophia, who I was certain until this weekend didn't believe in cuddling, snuggled right up and slept in my arms. It was so nice! We watched movies together, slept on the couch together, and just did NOTHING together. I felt awful for her and hated seeing her like that, but it was so nice to put everything else on hold, and not worry about whether or not the house was clean; or have my mind race with the 500 other things I wanted to do. I think it's the first time, it's just been her and I, other than when she was a newborn. There are times where I think about how nice it would be to spend the day with each kid separately. To really give them my full attention and spend the day doing something they love. It's unfortunate that Sophia and I's first real quality time together was when she was sick, but I can tell it changed our relationship. It brought us closer together, and it was clearly a big deal for her as much as it was for me.
I think sometimes we get too busy trying to multitask and handle everything that is coming our way, that we don't spend the kind of time with our kids that they expect us to. I've always been a firm believer in "The mess will still be there tomorrow" idea, but it doesn't always mean I follow it.
As tiring as it is to deal with a sick child, and as bad as I felt for Soph this past weekend, it forced me to slow down and enjoy her, and spoil her rotten with love and cuddles. I needed that as much as she did. It was a really good wake up call for me too, that even though there is a lot of pressure on me right now, it doesn't mean that I can't sit back and enjoy my kids. The only person putting pressure on myself is me. Which means I have the ability to control that pressure and how I deal with it. This may be the first of many answers in how I can deal with my stress. I also think that sometimes the only person stressing me out is me. Definitely gives me some food for thought.

What's The Absolute Worst Thing For Your Health???

Stress!

"A women under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood."
John Gray

Have you ever googled "Stress"? I think it's got as many hits as "Love". I can't say I'm a huge fan of this topic because it perplexes me so much that I thought I would do some research. Wikipedia baffled me in it's scientific explanation about stress, followed by it's information on Causes, Symptoms, Immune Responses, etc... There are websites that break it down into categories, and sub-categories; there are public forums, online courses, you name it. That sure says a lot about society. We are actively seeking out answers about stress, what causes it and how to eliminate it; and we are seeking the meaning of love. Personally, I understand love a whole lot more than stress. 

I think what gets me the most about stress is that mentally, I rarely feel stressed. I usually don't know I'm stressed until something in my body shuts down, causing me to be immobile and left with no other option than to wave my white flag, and call in reinforcements. This may be caused by the fact that I am stubborn, independent and prefer doing things on my own, or it may be caused by sheer stupidity - I've yet to rule it out. 

I do know, however, that stress scares me the way cancer, a heart-attack, or an aneurism scare me. It doesn't thrill me with curiosity like say... spontaneous combustion might. I know that stress causes inflammation in our bodies, and inflammation is the leading cause of illness; I know that even though up until 3 weeks ago, I didn't feel stressed, I was stressed. Which means.... I'm causing inflammation in my own body, and opening the door to a lot of potential negative health problems. This, I'm not ok with. 

Here's where I begin to feel perplexed... 

I am a young, healthy, individual, who works out regularly, eats an amazing diet, takes time to myself on a daily basis, attends yoga when possible, meditates, has purpose, love, support, and a positive outlook on life. Yet, I grind my teeth so hard I go through mouthguards, twist my masseter muscles (jaw muscles), have traps so tight you need a chisel to break through them, feel fatigued, and get headaches - and that's just on the surface! So what's happening inside of my body?!?! And why is stress affecting me so badly? I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning, granted I work around the clock 24/7 for two very busy, little people, who aren't totally set on the idea of sleeping through the night yet; but at least I'm not rushing from one place to the next, and trying to run a household, run a medical clinic, spend quality time with my kids, and pretend to have a life, all while their dad is living in the deep North - That's stressful. And yes, having two young children in your presence non-stop, and constantly having to be on point while they're awake to potentially save their lives or your home from being destroyed and trying to reason with what may as well be drunks, with ever-shifting hormones, that can't make up their minds, want something one minute, but not the next; that scream and chase eachother up and down the hallways, and climb, and babble and...and..and... ok... maybe it is stressful - but how do I cope with it so it doesn't get the best of me and I don't end up ill and brittle in my late 30's; and don't have some crazy, hysterical moment where I lash out, act like a psycho and potentially end up in a psych-ward at some hospital? 

I have it better than most, I live in a beautiful home, with two amazing kids, have the ability to clean, or... not. I can go to the gym, or... not. Really... this shouldn't be taking so much out of me. So is it lack of sleep that's causing stress to have the one up on my body? Other than one week where the kids went to Florida with their dad, I have not slept a full night since November 2008. Sleep deprivation has a whole gambit of problems attached to it as well. Am I perhaps mistaking stress for sleep deprivation? Is one causing the other? Is this genetic? Which end is up? 

Thoughts anyone?
What do you do to eliminate stress in your day to day?

Writing Things Down Is The Best Remedy

As most of you know, I've done this blogging thing before. I write for a few months, then life gets busy and I stop. It's pretty typical of my life. However, back in November I left my job and pulled the kids out of daycare to stay home with them because their dad took a job in the arctic and I wanted to be sure I could be emotionally and physically available 24/7 through the big change of no longer having their dad around. I knew from the beginning that I was so lucky to even have the opportunity to be able to do this, seeing as the majority of moms out there that lose the support of their spouses (for whatever reason), have to maintain working a full-time job, caring for their children and pretending to have a life of their own. Some are lucky enough to have family close by, others are forced to go it alone. Any mom knows that raising a child is by far the hardest job on the face of the planet; but whether you're getting a lot of help or little, to what seems like no help from your spouse, I hope you don't take it for granted. (I know I sure did).
The purpose of this blog, is more of a therapeutic practice for myself. I find when you write things down, it's the best way to cleanse your mind, free your soul, and have a real, clear overview of what is really going on in your head and in your life. I'm hoping that while I do a little work on myself, maybe something I write will help put something into perspective for anyone who decides to read this, or just help you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I'm also hoping that in doing this, I will be able to follow-through with this for more than just a few months. This, right now, is just the beginning of my adventure, because as of summer, I will be writing these posts from the arctic.
Today, my brain is fuzz - a cluttered mess of stress and confusion, a back-log of thoughts piling on top of other thoughts, and I'm hoping that in a month or two, my mind will be clear and focused, and I will feel like I have a handle on who I am and who I'm trying to become.
And please, if any of you decide to follow this and you notice that I'm slacking on my posts, give me a swift, electronic kick in the pants.
This blog won't just be about being a mom - it will be about "me" as whole. Self-identity, struggles, hopes, dreams, future-plans, lessons I'm learning, specific topics on health, food, anything!... It will be my thoughts written down.
So tomorrow's topic: STRESS! What is does to us, what it's doing to me, ideas of how to cope with it and hopefully some feedback on how all of you deal with it.
So until tomorrow.... Goodnight.