Goodbye Ottawa, hello Nunavut!

I should really be sleeping right now, but I feel like a wee blog is appropriate before I hop on the plane in 6 hours and make my way across the country to a new destination.

These past 6 months have been crazy and full of emotional ups and downs, never-ending preparation and a lot of revving myself up for the big moment.

To recap quickly, I am about to make my move to the far far North. In fact, so far North that my back neighbours will be Russia. I will fully admit when this move first came up, I felt like someone was pulling out my teeth; but as the months have gone on, I've become so excited to take on a new adventure in a strange place and show my kids some culture and mountains, as well as leave the world of traffic jams, humid weather, and an all-to-busy lifestyle.

That being said though, I want all of you to know that my time out East has been fantastic and filled with the most amazing people! I met my best friend Anna just weeks after arriving in Montreal and continued to meet people that made lasting impacts in my life - you will never be forgotten.
My time in Ottawa was probably the most influential time in my life and every fiber of my being changed into something new and foreign to me. It was as though, amongst all the busy city living, peace and tranquility swept over me and forced me to slow down and appreciate everything and everyone I came into contact with - baggage or no baggage.

In a matter of hours I will be hopping on a plane and making my way over to Alberta to crash for a few days and hang out with my parents and 4 days later, I will get on another plane and make my way to the Arctic to meet new amazing people and learn all kinds of new things about myself, my family and the world we live in. We have sold all of our possessions other than books, toys, and clothes, and will be mortgage free for at least 4 years. (Yay!)

People keep asking if I'm nervous and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't - however, the only thing I'm actually nervous about are my kids adjusting. We will be dealing with a time change, them going back to daycare after having been home with me since November, new people, new climate, and when we get there 24 hour daylight. I'm really hoping and praying they just transition smoothly.

Anyways, I really should sleep as my daughter is not the best flyer.... :(

Thank you again to all you lovely people I have met over the past 5 years. Remember that relationships worth keeping need constant work and acknowledgment from both parties and I will do my very best to keep those closest to me still a major part of my life.

Until my next blog....

Wishing you all the best,
Beck xox

Reflection

"If I had only...
forgotten future greatness
and looked at the green things and the buildings
and reached out to those around me
and smelled the air
and ignored the forms and the self-styled obligations
and heard the rain on the roof
and put my arms around my wife
... and it's not too late."
                                                                         - Hugh Prather

Today's kind of a special day - it's Earth Day. Mind you, I feel like every day is Earth Day in my world, but it definitely makes it more special, knowing that for one day, millions of people are attempting to put in the effort. That's really neat to me. I find however, that I'm extremely reflective today. I think it's because Earth Day could be a metaphor for "Simplicity". A day when we appreciate all things primitive and natural at their roots.

The quote above is from one of my most favorite books of all time - "Notes to Myself" by Hugh Prather. It's one of those books that you don't have to read in one sitting; but you can always find a suitable quote and make it applicable to your life on any given day. It's a book about a man who wanted to remind himself of things simple and more complex. I think one of the reasons I enjoy it so much is because it reminds me of journals I had filled when I was younger. I recently read through a journal from when I was 16, and was baffled at what I had written. How I could've seen things in my life so objectively and write out what I'd learned from good and bad experiences. The quotes I put in there were so powerful and some of the entries I had written I wasn't even sure if that was my own writing? However, my 16 year old self was smart enough to leave notes at the bottom saying things like "You wrote this Becky" or, "This entry is about this particular thing that happened". It's like I knew I would wonder what exact moment I was writing about later on in life. Reading that journal motivated me to write on paper again and log my life. Not necessarily events, because I didn't even do that as a teenager, but lessons I learned in life, and things to watch out for, and things to appreciate.

Which leads me to the quote above. I opened "Notes to Myself" tonight and this was the first page I landed on. When I read it I instantly felt grateful that I wasn't reading it and having an "Oh crap! I'm too caught up in the chaos" moment, but that I had a sigh of relief because I really do enjoy every simple thing in my life everyday. It doesn't mean I don't struggle and have bad days, but there are a handful of things I appreciate continuously everyday. For example:

I love waking up to the sounds of birds chirping in the morning. I think it's one of the most beautiful sounds.
I love waking up to any weather, I just love that there's weather to wake up to. Extra special weather days however, are rainy mornings, or mornings where there is a fresh, cool breeze blowing in through my window.
I love lying in bed with my kids first thing in the morning and getting snuggled and jumped on and taking my time to get out of my bed before going downstairs to the smell of fresh coffee in my coffee maker.
I love that I have healthy food to eat, and enough food to feed my children so they can grow up full and in good health.
I love stepping outside in my bare feet and breathing in the fresh air and grounding myself to the earth before I try to take on the world.
I love spending time with my kids and reading stories with them and teaching them things that no daycare or school could ever teach them.
I love that I get the opportunity to be home with them and go on adventures with them and watch them grow right in front of me.
I love that I have a man in my life who lets me do that and supports me in every way possible.
I love that I have books to read, and instruments to play, and paper to write on, and even a computer to waste time on.

There are so many simple things to be grateful for, and I hope you all take time to appreciate even something as simple as the fact that you're breathing. You're still here. I feel like the media does such a great job using fear as a main tool of communication (which is why I'm so happy I don't have cable). I know that even on a day like Earth Day we could all feel fear in the sense that global warming is a major concern, and it's taken fear and guilt tactics to force us into action; but instead of focusing on the negative that comes with it all, try and focus on these things:

There is nothing bad about going back to the idea of living and working as a community.
There is nothing bad with wanting to support local, organic farmers.
There is nothing bad with wanting to eat well.
There is nothing bad with wanting to recycle and compost.
There is nothing bad with not knowing enough to go completely eco-friendly - it's trying that matters.
There is nothing bad with wanting to try and do what's right (and I don't just mean living green).
There is nothing bad with wanting to be more aware in the way you walk through this world.


So not just today, but everyday - appreciate the small, simple things. Take a moment to breathe and bask in the joy that you're alive and that....

It's never too late.

Am I Supposed To Accept This As My Normal?

Today I was finally starting to feel like my life was getting back to normal. Sophia was very sick the last two weeks and had been throwing up for 7 days, about five times a day. We spent a night in the hospital and it turned out, after a lot of invasive tests, that she had a bowel obstruction that was causing things to go back up and instead of letting it go through.
After we got home from the hospital, her and I went to bed and slept the whole day. I woke up feeling nauseous and weak and ended up being sick as a dog and passing out if I stood too long. It just felt like it was never ending.
The next day, things seemed to be getting back to normal, she was keeping food down and passing it properly, I was keeping food down and attributed my illness to exhaustion; so the following day we were ready to have Seb come home. The next few days were crazy! Sophia was in a such a mood, and was starving. I couldn't feed her enough. I felt like I was going to go insane. Seb was hyper and needed his usual attention, showing me everything that came into his line of sight; and Sophia needed to be held continuously and didn't want to be alone for even a second. At night, she would cry and cry and cry and panic if I left her alone, meanwhile I was trying to resume our normal routine from before all the madness.
The last couple of days have finally started to feel pretty decent, other than at night; but of course, today Seb decided it was his turn to get sick. It couldn't be worse timing, because amidst all this crazy, I am trying to sell my house and have put off getting it on the market for almost two weeks now and tomorrow I have two showings and just can't cancel them.
I'm wondering if I should just start accepting that this will be my normal from here on in?
Here's the up side to all of this...
-The las two weeks were so intense on me and took everything out of me, that I have built up this thick skin and a "c'est la vie" attitude to it all.
-Dealing with a 3 year old who is vomiting is so much easier! When you say "Get sick in the toilet", he actually throws up in the toilet. (This will save me mountains of laundry and potential stains.)
-After said 3 year old vomits, he just wants to lie on the couch and watch a movie, unlike 20 month old baby who wants to scream and be held 24/7. (This gives me a moment to breathe.)
-I have figured out how to think logically through all of this and do only what works for me, so I emailed my real estate agent and told her we would be staying home tomorrow for both showings.
-And finally, I don't think much of anything will surprise me anymore at this point, so I guess...

BRING IT ON!

Another Chip Off The Stress Block

Good morning everyone.
It's been awhile since my last post. Turns out Soph was quite sick and required some emergency care, and I was exhausted and got sick as well. I'm not going to make today's blog about what was wrong, but I will tell you she's doing fine. She's still not completely herself, but is getting closer everyday.

 I know in my previous posts I've mentioned stress and sleep deprivation, and between that post and Soph getting sick last week, I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to regain some normalcy for the next 3 months until I have the second parental unit back with us. Although, I have to say the great idea did not come from me, but from my boyfriend.
I hired a babysitter. She's a girl that worked at the daycare with the kids, and they absolutely loved her. At first when the idea was brought up, I was imagining her coming for a couple hours in the day once a week, but when she offered, she brought up evenings alternating between Wednesdays and Fridays, and I was instantly filled with joy. Not sure why I hadn't thought of that?!
Nights have to be the loneliest time by far, and the most frustrating. Your kids go down, it's early, you don't really want to make a lot of noise, so you just sort of putter around hoping you'll get tired, only to go to bed alone with no one to talk to. How great will this be, to have one night where I can step out and grab a coffee, or go to the bookstore, meet up with friends, catch a movie, whatever... There's no guilt of asking a family member to go out of their way to come over, your kids get exposed to someone different once a week that still knows their routine and no one's working for free.
I really think this will make such a difference in my world. It'll give me something to look forward to, I'll totally cherish my time off and it will allow me to regroup so that I don't feel like I'm turning into an ogre. Between this, my guitar lessons and a few little social events I try to have from time to time, I think this will really help pass the time until I can resume a normal family life again.
A friend had commented on my Facebook page after my first blog saying:

"Single-parenting is the most unnatural thing on the planet."

I couldn't agree more! I just have to say again this morning, that I know I have it good, and even in this situation am still very fortunate in every way.
I would also like to say that my hat goes off to any soldier's wife, widow, and any other woman, or man for that matter, that is doing this on their own, and doesn't have an end date to look forward to; and to those who are still pulling a full-time job and doing this. I have the utmost respect for you! 

Time Well Spent

This past weekend was pretty crazy for me. Sophia came down with the stomach flu. I hardly slept Friday night and Sebastien was revved and ready to go first thing Saturday. When he woke me up in the morning, I wanted to die. I was so tired, I knew I wasn't going to make it through my day having just been up every half-hour with Soph. At that moment I was really grateful that their grandmother lives only two minutes away and is always willing to help. Between Sophia's bouts of illness, I managed to pack the kids up and trek them off to grandma's house. After an afternoon of help and a chance to nap on the couch with Soph, I packed her up and brought her home with me and Sebastien stayed "chez mamie's".
As most of you know, it's exhausting having a sick kid; but once I got home, it was so calm and so relaxing. Sophia, who I was certain until this weekend didn't believe in cuddling, snuggled right up and slept in my arms. It was so nice! We watched movies together, slept on the couch together, and just did NOTHING together. I felt awful for her and hated seeing her like that, but it was so nice to put everything else on hold, and not worry about whether or not the house was clean; or have my mind race with the 500 other things I wanted to do. I think it's the first time, it's just been her and I, other than when she was a newborn. There are times where I think about how nice it would be to spend the day with each kid separately. To really give them my full attention and spend the day doing something they love. It's unfortunate that Sophia and I's first real quality time together was when she was sick, but I can tell it changed our relationship. It brought us closer together, and it was clearly a big deal for her as much as it was for me.
I think sometimes we get too busy trying to multitask and handle everything that is coming our way, that we don't spend the kind of time with our kids that they expect us to. I've always been a firm believer in "The mess will still be there tomorrow" idea, but it doesn't always mean I follow it.
As tiring as it is to deal with a sick child, and as bad as I felt for Soph this past weekend, it forced me to slow down and enjoy her, and spoil her rotten with love and cuddles. I needed that as much as she did. It was a really good wake up call for me too, that even though there is a lot of pressure on me right now, it doesn't mean that I can't sit back and enjoy my kids. The only person putting pressure on myself is me. Which means I have the ability to control that pressure and how I deal with it. This may be the first of many answers in how I can deal with my stress. I also think that sometimes the only person stressing me out is me. Definitely gives me some food for thought.

What's The Absolute Worst Thing For Your Health???

Stress!

"A women under stress is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood."
John Gray

Have you ever googled "Stress"? I think it's got as many hits as "Love". I can't say I'm a huge fan of this topic because it perplexes me so much that I thought I would do some research. Wikipedia baffled me in it's scientific explanation about stress, followed by it's information on Causes, Symptoms, Immune Responses, etc... There are websites that break it down into categories, and sub-categories; there are public forums, online courses, you name it. That sure says a lot about society. We are actively seeking out answers about stress, what causes it and how to eliminate it; and we are seeking the meaning of love. Personally, I understand love a whole lot more than stress. 

I think what gets me the most about stress is that mentally, I rarely feel stressed. I usually don't know I'm stressed until something in my body shuts down, causing me to be immobile and left with no other option than to wave my white flag, and call in reinforcements. This may be caused by the fact that I am stubborn, independent and prefer doing things on my own, or it may be caused by sheer stupidity - I've yet to rule it out. 

I do know, however, that stress scares me the way cancer, a heart-attack, or an aneurism scare me. It doesn't thrill me with curiosity like say... spontaneous combustion might. I know that stress causes inflammation in our bodies, and inflammation is the leading cause of illness; I know that even though up until 3 weeks ago, I didn't feel stressed, I was stressed. Which means.... I'm causing inflammation in my own body, and opening the door to a lot of potential negative health problems. This, I'm not ok with. 

Here's where I begin to feel perplexed... 

I am a young, healthy, individual, who works out regularly, eats an amazing diet, takes time to myself on a daily basis, attends yoga when possible, meditates, has purpose, love, support, and a positive outlook on life. Yet, I grind my teeth so hard I go through mouthguards, twist my masseter muscles (jaw muscles), have traps so tight you need a chisel to break through them, feel fatigued, and get headaches - and that's just on the surface! So what's happening inside of my body?!?! And why is stress affecting me so badly? I don't have to get up and go to work in the morning, granted I work around the clock 24/7 for two very busy, little people, who aren't totally set on the idea of sleeping through the night yet; but at least I'm not rushing from one place to the next, and trying to run a household, run a medical clinic, spend quality time with my kids, and pretend to have a life, all while their dad is living in the deep North - That's stressful. And yes, having two young children in your presence non-stop, and constantly having to be on point while they're awake to potentially save their lives or your home from being destroyed and trying to reason with what may as well be drunks, with ever-shifting hormones, that can't make up their minds, want something one minute, but not the next; that scream and chase eachother up and down the hallways, and climb, and babble and...and..and... ok... maybe it is stressful - but how do I cope with it so it doesn't get the best of me and I don't end up ill and brittle in my late 30's; and don't have some crazy, hysterical moment where I lash out, act like a psycho and potentially end up in a psych-ward at some hospital? 

I have it better than most, I live in a beautiful home, with two amazing kids, have the ability to clean, or... not. I can go to the gym, or... not. Really... this shouldn't be taking so much out of me. So is it lack of sleep that's causing stress to have the one up on my body? Other than one week where the kids went to Florida with their dad, I have not slept a full night since November 2008. Sleep deprivation has a whole gambit of problems attached to it as well. Am I perhaps mistaking stress for sleep deprivation? Is one causing the other? Is this genetic? Which end is up? 

Thoughts anyone?
What do you do to eliminate stress in your day to day?

Writing Things Down Is The Best Remedy

As most of you know, I've done this blogging thing before. I write for a few months, then life gets busy and I stop. It's pretty typical of my life. However, back in November I left my job and pulled the kids out of daycare to stay home with them because their dad took a job in the arctic and I wanted to be sure I could be emotionally and physically available 24/7 through the big change of no longer having their dad around. I knew from the beginning that I was so lucky to even have the opportunity to be able to do this, seeing as the majority of moms out there that lose the support of their spouses (for whatever reason), have to maintain working a full-time job, caring for their children and pretending to have a life of their own. Some are lucky enough to have family close by, others are forced to go it alone. Any mom knows that raising a child is by far the hardest job on the face of the planet; but whether you're getting a lot of help or little, to what seems like no help from your spouse, I hope you don't take it for granted. (I know I sure did).
The purpose of this blog, is more of a therapeutic practice for myself. I find when you write things down, it's the best way to cleanse your mind, free your soul, and have a real, clear overview of what is really going on in your head and in your life. I'm hoping that while I do a little work on myself, maybe something I write will help put something into perspective for anyone who decides to read this, or just help you realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
I'm also hoping that in doing this, I will be able to follow-through with this for more than just a few months. This, right now, is just the beginning of my adventure, because as of summer, I will be writing these posts from the arctic.
Today, my brain is fuzz - a cluttered mess of stress and confusion, a back-log of thoughts piling on top of other thoughts, and I'm hoping that in a month or two, my mind will be clear and focused, and I will feel like I have a handle on who I am and who I'm trying to become.
And please, if any of you decide to follow this and you notice that I'm slacking on my posts, give me a swift, electronic kick in the pants.
This blog won't just be about being a mom - it will be about "me" as whole. Self-identity, struggles, hopes, dreams, future-plans, lessons I'm learning, specific topics on health, food, anything!... It will be my thoughts written down.
So tomorrow's topic: STRESS! What is does to us, what it's doing to me, ideas of how to cope with it and hopefully some feedback on how all of you deal with it.
So until tomorrow.... Goodnight.